Female Rejection.

2012-01-29T08:51:00.002-06:00

Ever try to explain thermodynamics to an ant? Probably haven't on account of multiple reasons, but the one I am after is the differing scales of intellect. Granted, ants are not really perceived to be on the intellectual level we are, but bare with me. It's the best way I can elaborate it to you.

In my condescending, rude, and self-indulgent manner, I partake that viewing of difficulty with myself as it pertains to everyone else. You're all ants, and I cannot explain my thoughts to you. You're dumb. I'm smart. It's such a horrifically beautiful illusion of mine, isn't it? Pulled the wool over my eyes, with my own two hands.

And yet I have far too many people that agree with the assertion, even if it is never once put to the air of conversation. People look up to me. Ask me questions. Seek me out for answers that they cannot conceive.

How did I get this position? Am I actually intelligent, or am I just the manipulator I convince everyone I am? Is it the truth or the lie that is the correct answer? How am I not intelligent enough to answer this question? Did I manipulate myself?

I sip tea as I write this. I think over each word that comes from numerous pecks on a keyboard. Sometimes, rare and hard-pressed to get me to admit to it again. I long for that void of mind that comes from anti-depressant medication. That numbing that comes to consciousness. The ability to lay down on a bed for 3 seconds, and realize once the meds wear off that it has been 3 hours. And yet, all you can recall doing is staring at the ceiling. Not a single thought in your mind.

Nirvana? Enlightenment? Meditation? Are these all the conceptual ideas that men strived for centuries to find?

I really need a girlfriend.

Mary a.k.a. Nympish Desires.

2010-07-31T22:51:00.002-05:00

If you think I'm going to take notice, that I am going to care, then you are mistaken. You are wrong. I shoved you aside, put you on the shelf to admire and stare at but not to interact with. I did this long ago.

Climbing down to try and woo me with the past won't do anything but hurt me. The past is there to be observed, not dabbled with. This is not H.G. Wells, and I am not a past-traveling hero. I step each moment further into the future, and your efforts are behind me.

Does it mean I don't like you, or that I never cared? Quite the opposite. It's why it hurts, why I constantly glance to the shelf. It's why I refuse you today.

Once upon a time I said for the honor. Now, I say for the memory.

Ode to Pup

2010-07-04T19:20:00.002-05:00

All the anti-depressants in the world couldn't make me cope.

I'll tell you every day I'm the most resoundingly sturdy man of mental prowess. That nothing can break me, none of you can harm me without allowance. But I'd be lying, there is one thing that I cannot cope with, one thing I cannot handle. It breaks me down, reduces me to tears.

I am a shriveled child in the corner, sobbing while holding the precious teddy bear.

Or in my case, Mr. Lion.

I thought it wouldn't be a problem today. Thought nothing would matter, how would I even dare to assume this or that would happen in relation to that dreaded day of February 5 at 9:16 AM. But it was. It happened, I was helpless before it. I tried to reason myself out of it, I am the logical and the decisive. I am the one in control, the one everyone leans towards...

But not in this case. Not at this time.

He cowers, even now, in his grave. And I can do nothing to comfort him. Is this as close to suicide as I'll ever experience? Probably.

I miss you Rocky. Each and every moment of every day.

Shiny Quarter

2010-05-09T01:02:00.002-05:00

There might be a chance I think I am better than you.

There might be a chance I am pulling your strings. So faint, so lightly that you'll just think I'm only holding you up. But I am tugging them. Go ahead, reach up over your skull and give them a tug, you'll feel the resistance of my hold.

I don't mean to be malicious or cruel. I really am trying to do things better for you, for the betterment of both of us. You're used to hearing that excuse, but as I said. I might just be better than you. Smarter than you. More obsessed. I will be selfish with my manipulations, but that only shows how clever I am, how magnificent I am.

I twist and change you to my bidding, for my selfish ambitions.. And yet you still get everything you want and need. How many tricksters and silver-tongued devils are capable of admitting to that same feat?

I don't want your thanks, I don't want your attention. I just want to be left alone, left to do as I please, left to make the world a bit better. Regardless if you know it is happening or not.

Smile babe. You're beautiful.

Heavy Pit

2010-02-05T09:56:00.000-06:00

It's that void in the chest that can bring giants to their knees, that inability to form words or to lose all composure at just a recollection.

That desire to never forget, and yet so painful to remember.

I am known as a stone, unflinching and unwavering. Nothing is known to stop my resolve or move my position. But that doesn't include what it means to be a 'parent', and lose one's 'son'.

Furry and four legged he may have been; I shall never have a greater friend, more intimate companion, or beloved child.

I shall miss you Rocky. Nothing in my life can, or will ever compare to the heights you had brought me during your lifetime.

Rocky Cain

March 1, 1998 to February 5, 2010 at 9:16 AM.

Social Retardation

2008-07-28T01:29:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you. To annoy you. To actually hate me.

I was just trying to fit in, I posed, I copied, I emulated those around me.

I'm sorry.

I don't mean any harm. I just want to play, to get to know you, to be a part of the group. Don't get upset.

I'm don't mean to come off frustratingly awkward, or blatantly protected.

Just stop expecting so much out of me. I don't know any better, I don't know how. Just let me in, I'm really not that bad. I'm the most amazing person you'll ever meet, but you'll never know.

I'm sorry.

Battles Long Past Won

2008-03-21T13:58:00.001-05:00

Why am I the only one standing here?

Why has everyone left the battlefield?

Both sides opposed have discarded their ways and wandered off. Some even together. But still I stand, still I await for the next challenger.

I was exhausted, I was tired, I bled and sweated. But now I stand, calm and waiting.

But no more shall come. No more shall challenge.

Is it worth it to have such dire, strong convictions? Is it truly for my best to uphold my honor even when everyone else admits they no longer mind?

For me, yes. It is best.

For the honor.

Ugh. Steel horses ridden.

2008-01-29T06:50:00.000-06:00

I just don't see the fascination with her. I think she's sub-par. Average. Basic.

Do people really demand that filth she claims to have? Do people want to be controlled and manipulated that much? I'm a master of such arts, but I never unfold to such a degree she proudly displays.

Is it worth it?

Rubbish! She's worthless and mindless, and those around her worshipping her are just the scum beneath our feet. Fuck them. Fuck her.

But still the temptation of such liberation is quite appealing. Curse my mind for thinking into it and knowing otherwise.

Why can't I have the bliss of ignorance like so many others around me? Why?

Not even for the honor this time... For the ignorance!

I fear nothing..?

2007-11-16T01:45:00.000-06:00

I don't trust anyone.

I'm cold and dark. Uncaring yet generous.

I meet people, and yet I'm shallow in perception of them. I cannot stop thinking less of those I associate with. I cannot stop thinking myself better than everyone else.

I cannot stop calling myself God.

I am perfect. I am infallible. I am incorrigible. Nothing can stop me, nothing can hold me back, nothing can lull me forwards. I am going to take over, and you're going to help me. No matter if you know it or not.

What will be the outcome of my silent persona? Of my decisions and chilling perception of those around me? What will happen in ten years? Twenty? Thirty? Will I still be here commanding the masses, or will I be just as insignificant as everyone else on this planet. A faded memory on a marble stone in the middle of a barren, quiet graveyard.

But I am immortal. I cannot die. Show me that I can. Find way to destroy me. I am invincible.

Numb. Rigid. Tired. Am I doing things right, or am I performing the ultimate manipulation... On myself?

Either way, for the honor.

Doug Stanhope.

2007-08-31T21:59:00.000-05:00

Makes a good point, that I feel like refering to others, as it explains directly my use of a word.

Faggot.

I use this word liberally, as a word of weakness. I assign no sexuality to it, when I use it. Those of you that know me, know this. Those that don't, and get offended? I'll be fucking willing to kneel down and give you oral sex, to prove my point. Fuck homosexuality's take on the word.

Faggot is a notoriously good word for description.

I use it. Get over it.

For your dishonor...

The sheep goes 'baa'.

2007-07-25T11:20:00.000-05:00

I know I'm rough to handle, to be with. To converse with, to debate with.

But does that ever make my points less valid? Just because I give them to someone bluntly and straight without the passion of emotion?

The past week and so has been... Weird. I've been dealing with people lying about their reality persona, people getting upset without much need. And once again, several people leaning into my shoulder a bit much.

I listened. I gave my opinion. I'm hated.

And on top of that, I cannot indulge my fantasies of perspective. My so precious roleplay has been stripped from me. I get it when I want it, but I realized... I have very, very few serious roleplayers. Those I can take a role and indulge into it well over time, rather than just simple quickie scenes for indulgance of their libidos.

Everything isn't as smooth as it should be for everyone else. Yet am I so detached that things move smoothly for me? Am I like the bubbling brook in the forest? Rushing over things that should be obstacles and reason to stop and observe?

Am I really that cold?

Yes, I am. Get the fuck over it.

For the hord... Er.. Honor. Stupid WoW.

Woman Scorned

2007-06-30T18:25:00.000-05:00

I know a lot of people come to me for my opinions. To listen to me, because I will honestly keep an ear to their ranting and raving.

But I realized I picked a horrible day to accept that position. Horrible.

One woman I could handle confessing her troubles. But two approached me. Two were telling me how much men were fucktards and worthless. Stupid and moronic, a reason to create genetic bombs to single out all the men on Earth.

And.. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't form opinions, I was too smothered in emotions that I have difficulty expressing on my own, let alone understanding in others. And then I did the worst thing that I should have ever done. I stopped listening to them both. I feigned it, rambled on with some bullshit statement that made it appear as if I was listening. I put my oral skills of being verbose nature to use, and.. Did the wrong thing.

This will be one dull spot on my honorable armor that might take awhile to buff out...

I'm sorry.

2007-06-16T23:42:00.000-05:00

Thirst of a beast,
Attention of a mob.
Clouds of the mind,
Weeze of the breath.

I thought I could always be infallible. That nothing could bring me down and stop me, pull me back or hold me down. I was wrong. Nothing was working, none of my practices and determinations. My willpower was failing, and I always though it unstoppable.

The rut I was in, cannot be achieved by anyone else. The darkness, the cold, the headache. It was like being in the chamber again, the mask removed and lungs on fire. No where to go, unable to see. Hearing those around you cough, weeze, choke, and vomit. The air was so thin but full. I couldn't breathe.

And then it started to settle and slow. Everything fell back into place. My will power could resume its dominance. My mind was getting at ease. The mob was silenced. The beast was quenched.

It's frightening to not know thyself.

Yes, I am that amazing. Get over it.

2007-05-09T17:35:00.000-05:00

Neither of us have said sorry, but we're talking again. Score one for the universe.

Boredom is settling in hard. I need to break out, and soon. Fuck what I was intending, I'll take anything. And I have something in mind...

Nothing much to say other then that. My mind is mostly content, there isn't anything for you to peer at, to question or doubt, to inquire from. I am.. Happy. Deal with it.

Go on, hit me.

2007-04-23T03:12:00.000-05:00

Staggering a bit. Like there was concrete in his glove when he hit me across the brow.

POW! Across the jaw, I stumble but don't fall. What's keeping me up? What's keeping me going?

How do I fight something as big as this? It's unstoppable, a force I can't contend with. Nothing I do brings it harm, nothing but the determination to keep standing there.

It hesitates at my ability to stand. My desire to stand. But am I doing the right thing? Should I continue on with this, and do it this way? Or should I just hit the mat, call for the towel, or step out?

Why does life have to carry such a mean right hook?

Here's my cry for Adrian. For the honor.

What did you just say to me?!

2007-03-27T22:21:00.000-05:00

How dare you. How dare you imply that I retain no honor. How dare you give me such disrespect.

How dare you call me a fucking liar!

But you know what burns me most? Is that you say I lied about the statement, given to me by a friend. That you basically called them a liar.

HOW DARE YOU!

You blindly charge in, you rant and rave, you make wild claims and refuse to listen to my calmed voice. You bum-rushed a beast that is whispering to you. Shouldn't that have been the sign, the suggestion that you were making a mistake? That you were wrong?

No. Of course not.

And that is why I sent not only my friend, but theirs and the armies aligned with after you. That is why everyone is yelling at you now. That is why everyone is clearing up that you are wrong.

That you are dishonorable. That you are disrespectful.

That you, lied.

Fuck you, says my coat of arms. Fuck you, says Kalvara.

Nuff said.

2007-03-12T03:59:00.000-05:00

Tell me, and I'll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and I'll understand. - American Indian Proverb

Defeatist.

2007-03-03T23:18:00.000-06:00

I don't like my friends, most of them anyway. I don't like my government, nor do I like the way I'm expected to be.

Am I having another anti-social session?

Am I losing that barrier, that shield, that tie that keeps me in place? Am I going to finally snap and unleash upon everything?

Nah, too bothersome.

But why am I so damned stubborn? So determined? So resiliant of the repetition that continues? I hate it, I dislike it, I favor something different. I let the changes that occur naturally float by, without standing by any of them with interest.

This time it isn't for the honor. It's for the doubt.

Doubt me.

Ever hear a wolf's frustrating growl at getting a turtle out of its shell? That's me.

2007-02-23T17:49:00.000-06:00

Frankie. This one goes out to her, and how she's baffling and confusing my mind.

She goes away, I suspect from her internet connection being down. Hell if I know, she's just been away. I got curious to what was up, so sent her a message. And surprisingly enough, got something back to me in due time. She had a Yahoo account she made, to temporarily continue on while her broadband is returned. She may have been doing foul at that time, may have distanced herself from me then and I inadvertantly stepped in upon her unwantingly.

If that was the case. Oops, sorry. I'll go.

But no. She took something I said pretty hard, and I wonder if things have just been wild and rough on her as of late or what. I don't know if Ty is okay, I don't know what's been going on with her household affairs, don't know anything.

Just.. Confusion. Quiet and cold confusion, rather than the warmy and fuzzy norm.

But she's upset, she said she would distance me again. I'm annoyed with it, want to speak my mind to her over it.. But nah. I'll let her go and deal with my confusion here.

And if you read this Frankie, just ignore it. These are my thoughts, not my complaints.

Cupid's Broken Arrow.

2007-02-08T10:13:00.000-06:00

Ever neglect to do something, that turns into a mistake that should have never happened, and will never be corrected?

A problem that develops, solves itself without you, and moves on to continue its equations?

I have. I can't take my mind off of it, it boggles and vexes me, pains and tires me, I find it escapable and unavoidable. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I always encourage people to press on, that time can fix anything. But I'm not believing my own advice. I know it's a lie, I know it isn't true, that time can't fix everything. Some things, are just going to be in the way, some things are going to be eternal struggles.

They always say chicks dig scars. Does that include scars on the heart?

For the honor.

Solipsism.

2007-01-23T05:19:00.000-06:00

Where is it all going?

Why is the insights to the triangle of time, blurry and blank? White and unseen.

Why can I not foretell my future? Why can I not remember my past? Where am I?

Do I know what I want, am I able to grasp it, do I want to share it with others?

Is it all worth it?

.....

..........

Yes, it is.

Da-Da-Daddo. a.k.a. nega-hero.

2007-01-05T00:02:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure how I get into these kinds of thoughts. Memories and off-track dreams.

It's funny how solitary confinement will do that to you.

Let you talk to yourself, think and envision without any guiding environmental reactions.

Bringing up doubts and fears that I've never had before. I'm fearless, aren't I?

Aren't I a man? Am I not an intelligent and unique?

As the song goes, "Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile". This mental battle, epic and bloody.

I just want to break away, I guess. Get away from all the familiar and comfortable, and start anew. And I fucking hate change, and yet here I am longing for it. Nothing is bad about what I have, I love it. I'd hate to move it. And yet.. Sometimes I want something different.

I want to go back in time. I want to rewrite aspects of my life. Lead it in a different direction.

I just want to tell myself, 'Fuck you'. Is that so wrong? To call yourself a fake, a liar, a fraud?

Someone stop me, I find myself invincible and defeated. The nega-hero.

A brick wall. That's all I want to be for Christmas.

2006-12-24T07:29:00.000-06:00

Just a quick reminder. I don't celebrate Christmas, folks. Don't tell me 'Merry Christmas!', or suffer the consequences.

Now, to my point of this post. This season, is Hell. I have discovered the location of that vile realm, and it isn't a place. It's a time. This season, is Hell.

I do not exaggerate on the people that seem to be emotionally suffering. 7 people, 7 of them, have come to use my shoulder. Struggling and announcing their troubles socially or emotionally. People are breaking down around me, and I know I'm of good advice. Otherwise people wouldn't come to ask for it so often. But regardless, this is pushing me a tad far.

When everyone is getting this bad, I just want to punch everyone in their face, use a scapel to remove their torso skin, and pour salt water over their exposed muscles. Screw you all.

I don't mind helping people, I even like it at times. But when several people are coming to me within a brief period of time? Then.. I think it is time for you all to go to someone other than Shawn. You should all know better. I am not the most... Polite... Person in the universe. You all know this, you know I can be rough and gritty to downright atomic.

So I'm asking now, rather than doing my typical, bad habit of assuming people know my complaints and problems. Try to ease up. I've already caught myself snapping at a few of you, when you came to me for help.

Now is NOT the time to lean on Shawn's shoulder. Please. Don't do it, unless you desperately need to.

Eye Twitching.

2006-10-03T18:53:00.000-05:00

Some pounding beat into the back of your ear. It helps set the tone, though the dark setting already defined one on its own. Wet grass from the rains of a few hours earlier before the sun finally went beneath the horizon.

You can feel numb in parts of your body, as small trickles of blood and sweat mix from the degraded areas. Your breath his heavy and tired, using the long inhales to help keep yourself conscious and upright.

Your right hand was firmly clenched into fist, but the left continued to have trouble. The fingers twitched, spasmed from the slightly severed muscles within your palm.

You didn't have a reason to be standing there, you didn't have a reason to defy and defend. You had no reason to take on the massive lines of man before you. But the fact you did, made them nervous. The sight of you upon your hill, the strength and determination you gave caused their doubts to grow.

Honor. That's the battle you fight, alone, hurt, and tired. But its worth it, even if only to you. You fight for it. Cling to it for life or till the savage, brutal end of glorious death.

Honor is what drives me, keeps me standing when all others have fallen to their knees. It's my determination, my pride, my strength. And I have omnious feeling it will be my demise, ages on from now.

For the honor.

Nightmares in Daydreams.

2006-09-23T23:03:00.000-05:00

What is it about me that they love?

Why do they listen and obey, why do they bend over to be overwhelmed?

I can't understand it at times, thinking that I am just the prick that I am. Where does this sincerity and softness come from? Where does it take a step back to the power, command, and appeal of my aggressiveness?

Is it really that much for them? Do they really enjoy it that much?

I can't believe that they will let me use them, abuse them, torture them. They take it all willingly, beg me to do it for them, while the rest of society would get an earful with kicks and screaming should anyone else dare consider trying.

What is so special about me?

You all give me too much credit. I'm just a boy, that is still aspring to be that great man you all believe me to be.

Damn.

2006-09-15T21:48:00.000-05:00

My legs hurt. Vicidin isn't working. Financially life sucks, and that isn't even mentioning my financial standings at the moment.

The house is so.. Ugh.

I feel stranded, and hurt. But with nowhere to go. No way to leave.

Other people would have went on a rampage of destruction and went down guns blazing. But I sit here, I wait. I bide my time for reasons i don't have.

In a dramatic way of saying it. Others would have commited suicide by now. And yet I press on with the same blind determination I've always had.

Do I not know when to quit? To give up?

Can I not see that nothing positive nor negative would come from the result? Other than saying I completed the task, pointlessly?

For the honor...

Le sigh.

2006-06-21T17:57:00.000-05:00

I could watch her for hours.

The breeze, that is.

She rushes through the corn field across the street. Pushing the plants from side to side, frolicking like a giddy sprite.

This is what serenity feels like, and may it never leave me.

I still hate you all though.

Shut.. The fuck... Up....

2006-06-17T10:31:00.000-05:00

I'm... Becoming anti-social again. Like, hard-core, how I used to be through grade school and begining of high school.

I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't want to socialize, check on how they are doing. I just want to do my own thing. I just want to be left to silence.

I'd wish some of you would die, just so you couldn't bother me again. Fuck you. Fuck you in your god damned asses and enjoy it.

I don't like humanity. I don't like Earth. Is it wrong for me to wish for ruling of the planet, simply to smother all life upon it? Things just don't want to go well for me. I can't stand life's little dramatic games.

Go away drama-starters. I don't want you here. I've a lead pipe. I'm not afraid to use it.

Seriously folks, fuck off. All of you. I hate you all. If you were in my presense and tried to talk, I'd dig my nails into your forehead and tear off your face. Then claw at the muscle tissue behind the skin. I.... Want.. To... Be.. Left... Alone....

Fuck art. Fuck music. Fuck socializing. Leave me alone!

Unless of course, I instigate a conversation with you first. Then it's all good. =)

2006-03-17T22:56:00.000-06:00

How can I be wrong? How can you say that I lied, that I misheard or misintepreted what you said? All the evidence, points against you, yet you call me a wrong, you call me a liar.

I just don't get it. I wouldn't have admitted to what you say I did.

How could I admit to doing something I'm against? That I wouldn't want to do, in any case scenario? It doesn't make sense!

If you are so deep in belief that you would never do something... Would you?

No.

Of course not.

So why would I?

I'm such a social retard. I'll never understand why people make statements like they do. I don't understand people.

Burn, may you all burn, and never call me a liar again.

Lies and Conflicts.

2005-12-14T14:45:00.000-06:00

I hate when someone says I don't care for them. When I pamper and adore them, yet they claim my words as fake and fraud. They think I am lying to them, believe that I am just trying to get into their pants, or gain some other kind of privilage.

I hate when people think I am just using them. Think that I don't care for them.

I hate being slapped in the face and called a liar. I hate the depressed that refuse to trust me. To realize I'm telling the truth, but they don't want to believe it.

I hate those that act Emo.

To all the 13 year olds.

2005-12-08T10:17:00.000-06:00

You're confused. You're stupid. You're empty.

Emo doesn't represent a new genre. It doesn't show emotion into music. It doesn't show emotions on an outward level never experienced before. Blues shows feeling, soul, and emotion. Jazz, rock, country, and nearly any other genre of music displays this. But you assume that Emo is the only thing. Emotion is music, in nearly all cases.

Emo isn't real. It's fake, it's a lie, a belief to things that already exist. Don't try to give me some repertoire bullshit you got from a song or magazine. You're fake, you don't have an opinion other than someone else's. You're not human, you don't exist. You are not standing there, you are a figment of my imagination and I do not believe in you.

Grow the fuck up.

Emo doesn't offer anything. It isn't anything but bullshit and lies. Oh god, your girlfriend broke up with you. Yes, you're supposed to feel bad about it. You aren't feeling anything different. Nothing makes you special. Quit trying to look to Emo for some sort of escape to make yourself stand out you attention whore. Emo does not equal emotion. It equals poser. Fake. Freud.

I don't like you, I don't want to know you. Your dribble just bores me, your opinions I've heard before. Your music is pathetic, with claims to talent and belief. Your singers, were not the first to cry on stage. You're a waste of time and space. I'd rather play with garbage from the dumpster.

I hate Emo kids. But god, do I love Emo girls and their promiscuous sex lives.

Stubborness

2005-12-01T08:11:00.000-06:00

We're both mad. Furious at each other, and probably never going to speak a word to each other. I was right, she was a hypocrite. Others are agreeing. But I still feel... That I should give an apology. I still feel I should get on my knees, and let her kick me right in the face.

The pain of being right. The agony. It shouldn't have came down to this.

Why were we so angry at each other, before any of it came up? Before the arguement, before the debate, the discussion. Why were we holding knives to each other's throat?

Why do I feel compelled to say those three words?

I am sorry.

I don't want to admit it, but I am. I know I am right, but I still feel like saying it. I wish I could strike it all down. I wish we could go back to how it all was before. What was bothering us? Why are we so.. Alike?

Damn, am I ever sorry. Sorry for saying what I said. For doing what I did. And for being a sorry bastard.

Sorry.

Added: I wish I could tell her sorry. To her face, as it should be done. But I won't. I don't want to hurt her again. I'd love a second chance, but I know I'd end up botching it. I'm just proving time and time again, to why females are better than males. I'm just showing that all men do, is apologize. We mess up, and apologize.

Women don't need that. They deserve better. So why do men always screw it up?

Damn, I am sorry.

Best Turkey Day Evar.

2005-11-24T23:04:00.000-06:00

I really don't give a rat's ass about Thanksgiving and what it means, but I have to say.. Tonight, is a really fantastic night. Don't laugh for some of the strange parts about it..... Well, on second though, go ahead. It's not like I care. Anyway. This is the first time in 20 years that I didn't feel outcasted from my family. I never grew up around many of them, but tonight at the family gathering for T-Day, I was able to freely commune and relax. To be me.

Best part though? Is right now. At 11:06 PM, eating a bowl of simple potato soup ( Potatoes + water = soup. ), bread and a Dr. Pepper. The house is quiet and dark, with the only lights coming from the single, 60 watt bulb in my room. Serenity, at it's best.

Ladies.. I believe you.

2005-11-11T05:21:00.000-06:00

Guys.. Are stupid. We make mistakes. We are inconsiderate. We are stupid.

We don't listen, we don't pay attention, we are stupid.

I was confided with information, about someone I didn't like, told to me by someone I adored. In my fury, in my rage, in my ignorance, I told another. I had to fume, I had to get it off my chest. And stupidly, I had to tell someone else.

So trust was lost. I feel like a fool. I feel like shit, and what am I to do?

If I believed in suicide, I'd have done it by now. If I believed in self-mutilation, my arms would be bloodied. If I believed in alcoholism, I'd be slobbering on the floor.

Please, forgive me.

Ignorance.

2005-10-29T11:44:00.000-05:00

Don't you love reprimends for correcting someone? For enlightening them? Teaching them something new? And then getting yelled at, or slapped in the face, or urged into a rant for nearly 10 minutes debating the fact you're right, and their stubborness to admit it?

I do.

I like to make them get riled, to try and prove facts or points against me, when I've laid down all their facts in their original context, rather than snipped. When everyone around them, is telling that person I'm right, and they still fight through.

I love it, because sometimes, I'm that person. But not today!

Clarifications.

2005-10-23T04:19:00.000-05:00

I don't like to be alone, different from being left alone. I'm an anti-social person, but also a hopelessly perverted romantic.

What I would give to live in every city, to have thousands of clones to date or entertain those that feel what I do. Single and alone. It is a shared feeling in everyone's lives. They hate being alone, but enjoy the freedom of being single.

Relationships need dedication. Focus. Time. All worth it to know you have someone to curl up to and hold. To nudge your forehead against their back as you hold them tightly in your bed. The warmth, the love.

The purpose of this post? I want my dick sucked.

What can be?

2005-10-18T10:33:00.000-05:00

A god is defined in the lowest terminology, as someone that is worshipped by others.

But what is divinity? How does one classifiy perfection onto a scale of a singular being? Majestic beauty? Social talent to woo the masses? Intellect that awes and astounds?

I'd just say divinity is a 'her'. And that personification is left to you all, to discover. Just whom am I talking about, and why do I hold her in such amazing regards?

Grr.

2005-10-11T21:57:00.000-05:00

I hate stoner music. I hate when people ask if I like.. The Grateful Dead. I'm especially tired, of lying to them and saying I do.

Why do I? Because, this is one of those topics that if you say no, it takes four hours to explain yourself, and even then the person or group still doesn't believe you.

I just hate that kind of music. I recently discovered this actually. I never really liked it, but now I just know that I don't like it. Admitting to myself and the like. I hate stoner's music. The flowerchild kind of music. Fuck it. FUCK MARLEY! So he could play a guitar better than anyone.. WHOOPDIE DO. It ends there people. It isn't a life-changing experience. I'm not going to listen to his music and understand the fabrics of time and space and the concepts of the universe. Contrary to belief, it doesn't happen. Take the weed out of your mouth, sober up, and realize this.

God damn whores.

Kill Us All

2005-09-30T00:03:00.000-05:00

I love this song by Twista. In ways, it touches on my mentality, on others it influences. Go ahead, say you feel opposed to my opinion. I don't give a shit. You ain't sucking my dick, so why should I care?

I feel Like, I feel like standing in the midst of a hundred thousand haters, Dynamite and C-4 strapped around the waist, bloody tears in my eyes making sure any mother fucka in tha vicinity Blow away and die, Kill'em off with an explosion Get up bitches, Kamikaze on you hoes I'm the sacrificial lamb, Feelin the fury flow out of every follicle in my body While you decompose Die with a blunt of dro in yo hand, I'm uppin the itchy fo fuckin wit Twista If you fuckin wit me come bet so cause it wont Be an issue-Got some nuts to come get me Then boy you gone get the picture put the flame in my Swisher Then hollows penetrate thru yo tissue Fuck yo fit up wit yo blood as I hear the cries Of yo homies screamin revenge Got no mercy on them either go to war wit the Intentions to annialate everything you stand for Wit the death of myself cause I'm a believer The blessings of sacrifice the messenger who Cometh after the Christ next 1 to glisten after ice Fuckin wit me is a bigger gamble then a pack of dice I'll murder you and come at you again in the after life My brother you cant bring harm wit guns I'm Armed wit bombs fuck all that shit you carry I got Yo obituary a muthafuckin phenomenon-cause I'mma come Till they put all of us in a cemetery

[CHORUS 2x]Now come and look into the mind of a man you don't really wanna Fuck wit (kill'em all [3x]) Looking death between the eyes and no one can save us Sucide on you hoes if I have to, to make you die bitch Kill us all [3x]Looking death between the eyes and no one can save us

[2nd verse Twista]Go to war like I'm untochable yellin out bloody murder While I'm bustin you 2 deadly fingers squeezing twin Triggers steady touchin you screamin like a demon Like I'm finger fuckin you Just put my body in a room wit the enemy and I got A grenade I'mma pull the pin out the sum bitch Pop 17 sins out the gun clip smoking dro so fire I was on 10 after 1 bligg Nigga you have now entered the chainsaw massacre Takin more blood than a 2000 dracula slip the clip in the Automatic and get to bustin horrific hollows while you Prayin to jesus of Nazarus A 7 day theory like makaveli flowin on a track that's Scary wit a Mack in the back of the pelle Spectacular how could you dare me I'm already willing to die I'm comin back after they bury me Its time for yo confessions I be the priest Celebrate and salute the sign of a suicidal soldier Better become a bible holder as I start to massacre Men with a verbal recital that's colder Deaths coming closer as you let kamikazi Enter yo body careful or you die standin vertical And anyone that opposes I swear to God I'mma get you Even if I gotta murder me to murder you

A pinch of insanity. Or genius.

2005-09-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

I've always been encouraged to read Douglas Adams' books, by friends and acquaintances, but primarily my father, whom if you know.. Is a MAJOR book enthusist. Seriously, he has enough books to open a Books A Million. Not even joking, my garage is nothing but boxes of books. He has read them all.

Anyway, back to my point. Douglas Adams. He was either insane when he devise the series, or a fucking genius. I watched the movie just a few moments ago, and got one of my Dad's books, so reading on it.. Fanastic work.

Sure, when watching it, the most random of things will happen. You'll feel brain connections break apart, and a soft void lingering in the back of your mind. You're clueless, and yet contemplative. You thought the Matrix got you thinking? Feh. I could name tons of other titles that you know of, or don't. None compare to the insane genius of Adams'.

All I know. Is I am falling in love with his books, the more I read into it. Even if it's like.. Asking God why he made knock knock jokes, and he just saying "Knock knock." It just boggles and pains your mind somewhat.

People. Watch that movie. Read those books. Instant mind-orgasm. I swear.

Chasity Belt.

2005-09-06T16:44:00.000-05:00

I was told that I am a freak of freaks. I am weird, deranged, and insane. I mingle with the chicks that would frighten your children in their sleep, that would send a shiver down your spine to have their gaze settle on you. They are mentally fearful, and yet I associate with them.

I was told I act normal. Like a regular person, surrounded by these monstrousities. And yet, why am I there? That is how I got labeled insane. Am I?

Am I that warped?

Stars.

2005-09-05T02:06:00.000-05:00

Cold, yet comfortable. And open skies, with not a cloud in sight.

The constant rotation of the airport's light, green then white.

Ever stare up at the stars, and think? Believe you should have been elsewhere? Born later or before?

I didn't like that about Fort Leonard Wood. Couldn't see the stars as often as I liked.

Beautiful, serene silence.

VINDICATED!

2005-09-04T06:59:00.000-05:00

Powerful song, when you're not paying attention to it.

I was driving, on Friday, sometime late in the evening where the sky was dark and black. The headlights beamed forwards, and with a slip of my hand, I accidentally switched my stereo to turn on the CD player, which still had Davo's CD inside of it.

Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional played.

I may have pulled back from being Davo's best friend, for some time. I may have said things behind his back, and not liked him 100% at all times. But damn it..

That song got me thinking about him. I missed having him sitting beside me in the car, saying something annoyingly stupid. It just.. Felt weird.

Completed.

2005-08-30T23:42:00.000-05:00

I just helped someone take another, better option than suicide. I talked her out of it. I didn't even know her. My friend Diana, lives in Ireland, said she had a friend online that was about to commit ignorance of self-murder. i.e., suicide. She told me to call her, and gave me the number. Like.. Damn it. Why me? I'm not a nice guy. Why should I help out?

I was in a jam, but did it anyway. Helped ease her into better thoughts, and pull away from suicide. Sounds like an awesome gal, just pushed into a rut at the moment. Either way. I hate being the hero.

Fuck you, Superman.

Change.

2005-08-24T10:05:00.000-05:00

God do I hate it.

I realized a newer level of my disdain for change, as I read through posts made around livejournal by friends. Thoughts abound to elder days of roleplay and conversation.

I miss those days. I'd give all of my Poser art, the hours of online gaming with Half-Life and it's mods, just to get a couple minutes of those days. My golden days weren't out at high school, wasn't out on some random escapade with friends. It was online. Roleplaying.

Not quite sure if that is pathetic, strangely poetic, or just absurdly fucking pointless and maybe I need to stop being a geeky pussy.

Taxi Cab to Suicide.

2005-07-13T20:11:00.000-05:00

Fuck you.

And fuck you for ruining my silence. Males can burn. Females can choke. Give me my silence back. I'll stare down gods, and slap Anubis to get my silence back. Don't step in my way. Don't raise your voice. Don't take my silence again.

Pains.

2005-06-23T00:59:00.000-05:00

Ever been asked to rape someone? To kidnap? Torture? Abuse? I have.

I'm waging between the thoughts of.. If I like it or not.

Then again, she likes the thoughts of it too. Guess I can't be that fucked up.

Foolish behavior.

2005-06-13T12:09:00.000-05:00

All that time, and I didn't even kiss her.

I should have kissed her.

Really, I should have. Stupid me. Next time perhaps?

Influences suck.

2005-05-04T04:32:00.000-05:00

I totally tried to cop a feel on a female friend. It was so degrading of myself. I feel so bad. I'm apologizing, but jesus. I just feel so wrong. She wasn't too against it, but still, it's my mentality that is feeling the pain from it all. God this sucks..

Hearts. <3

2005-04-23T03:43:00.000-05:00

I'm in love with a girl that's already spoken for. I think of her, I dream of her, and I want her. But alas. I cannot have her. Or could I?

Troubled with conflicting morality. I am believing I am two personalities. One, says to leave it be and do nothing, simply move on and pout about it. The other, says fuck over the opposition, the other male. To take the mutual loved one, and claim her for my own. To disregard the consquences, and murder the built up realities. To slaughter the perspective.

I really hate life at times. It's like a hard cock. Never fits right in your jeans.

One final Hooah.

2005-04-13T12:19:00.000-05:00

31 year old married woman. A perfect MILF example. Drinking beers with her husband. Children in bed. 9 PM to 1 AM, nothing but fabulous sex. I.. Am.. God.

Home sweet home.

2005-01-29T08:37:00.000-06:00

Fuck you all. I'm pissed. But at least I am coming home, permanently.

Getting medical discharge! Yeah.. Fractured the healing parts of my fractured legs. Isn't that just peachy keen.

I thought so. I should be back home, by like... March. Joy. Oh, and I may be taking a vacation to England. Haven't decided just yet.

Ego Booster.

2005-01-02T09:39:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I have my doubts at time, but it is these small moments, that just really bring me out as king. I love me.

What am I rambling on about? A chick I know online, been friends with for a decent enough time, had a dream about me last night. She described it, as being with me in some setting, where we just held and stayed close. Not entirely intimate, but she said I did lots of ass-grabbing. That sounds like me alright. She also said she felt safe and secure, and intensely horny. The even more chilling part, is that she admitted she was afraid. Afraid I would turn. Now that DEFINITELY sounds like me.

I love being something other than good. Something other than evil. Something not yet seen. Fear me.

Hidden Place.

2004-12-20T01:43:00.000-06:00

It's me. I want to kill someone. Just put my hands, around their neck, squeeze the life out of them, and choke them to the floor until their last moments of life is spent glanced up at me. I want people to see this murder, to step back in fear and surprise. I want fear, I want power, I want order, I want obediance. I want control.

Maybe it is my manipulative ways getting to me. Slowly turning me insane. I haven't a clue. I think I need help, but I don't want to ask anyone for it. I want to cuss and insult people. Friends, just say that I can do it to them, to be friendly. I don't want to make them cry. I am so deranged right now, I can say the things to have them on their knees in tears, willing to take their own life. Where is this anger coming from? Why am I doing this to myself?

Something is bothering me. I want to let it off my chest, but there isn't a legal way in this world to do it. I just can't kill someone. And I can't start cussing and abusing my friends, because.. Well, they are my friends. It'd be confusing. I can't explain. Don't try to help. I need help. But not your help. Or maybe I do need your help. I haven't a clue. Fuck, shit, dog, lesbian speaker. Ugh..

Pedophilic desires. Masturbation. Porn. Perverted dreams about females I know and have been with. God I am sick. Someone needs to stop me. Someone needs to imprison and lock me up. I need help.

Can anyone make sense of these ramblings?

Grrrraaaaagggghhh.

2004-12-20T01:07:00.000-06:00

I hate lesbians. I hate you. I hate to itch. Fuck you.

No, I don't seriously hate those things. Or do I? Hell if I know. I hate things. I hate everything. Fuck all of you.

Life sucks. Let me end yours.

alfjdksjafk I want to type, I want to explain. But.. Afkjsadkf asdjfksdajf FUCK YOU! GARSDKJFSA

Can't get it out. Not anger. Not depression. Something else.

Why am I posting this shit?

Sociopath.

2004-12-12T17:58:00.000-06:00

One who is affected with a personality disorder marked by antisocial behavior.

Why does this sound so much like me? Scary.

Debts.

2004-12-07T20:28:00.000-06:00

I confuse people. They believe the world is a 'scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours'. Which, to the general populace, it is. I'm not included.

They expect from me, that I will return favors, and I do. But then they expect me to make demadns upon them, when I help them in any situation. I don't. I do things, as charities. I give, and do not recieve in payment. I leave people in debt to me. They whimper and whine, beg and differ, but regardless, I do not take up claim of that debt.

Why? So that if I ever decide to be aligned with the general populace for a short time, I have people indebted to me.

Some say money is power. But it isn't. The lack of money is power. For when you are in lack of money, you go into debt to someone. That one, whom you are in debt to, has power. You'll do things to repay them, you'll give them things, help with things, obediant and subservant.

My slaves. You gutter-puppies.

I'm Sorry.

2004-11-22T16:48:00.000-06:00

I've swallowed my pride, given my apologies, and still retain my honor. Can you say the same?

Crossroads.

2004-11-22T15:24:00.000-06:00

I hate being in the middle of a dramatic affair. Erica and Davo, just't don't understand. I don't trust anyone. So naturally, I don't trust either of them. Yet they try to put a burden of dishonor upon me for having not trusted them. They assume I trusted the other, and not them. No, I didn't trust either of them.

Why? This is a textbook case of a domestic dispute, that is why. MP training taught me that, at least. Both assume they are the one being wronged, the other is lying out of their teeth, and that I should take the other away or correct the other's problems. The problem is, I'm just tired of it. So screw both of you. Bicker and fight amongest yourselves. I'm quite happy being alone, are you?

Now, if either of you still want to talk, feel free. You know I won't bring up mention to it. Hell, as always, I'll act like nothing has even happened. I told you numerous times before, and show a strong conviction towards such mannerisms. I hate drama, and don't want to be a part of it. When you pull me into it, I become even more of an asshole, that you're just going to resent having known, until I get myself out of it. I... Hate.. Drama.

If either of you also feel obliged to say your apologies, I'll be glad to instigate the conversation, and say the apologies first. I won't say I am sorry for what I have said, I'll just say, I'm sorry it had to lead to this. I'll be willing to forgive and forget. To move on. Only if either of you are willing to. If not. Fuck you. I'm easily amused by myself. Always able to find new friends, if I must.

Though it hurts. Gotta shrug it off..

2004-11-19T17:02:00.000-06:00

"But of course... whenever I started making her daughter realize its wrong to be a slut and a worthless druggie... she got pissed and told me to go away."

He can read this. I don't care. This is just the last straw for me. I can't stand drama, you all know I can't. It's why I have strived to become a police officer. To stop drama. I hate people, I hate all of you. Fucking get over it, and stop this crap.

And damn it.. This sucks. I am known for giving advice. Some of you may argue that point, but I know I am. I do it all the time, to people you all don't even friggen know. And yet, I was in need of advice. I asked my father what to do. I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place. What am I to do? Who should I drill between the eyes?

He is unstable. He takes after his mother in a relationship. He doesn't know what to do, when it all goes well. He breaks down, and goes wild. He needs to learn to grow up, people are leaving him, moving on. 10 years pass, he'll be all alone. I can't help him. I want to, but I can't. Not that I don't know how, but that I can't. He must do it on his own.

All I have left to me, is the Tao. I strive to understand it. To look for it in guidance. But all I can do, is have faith in it, to let it continue on as the Tao does. The Tao is an endless change. One way or another, this will all carry through, and a solution will create itself, naturally. Since there is no way for me to smooth it out to be a good solution, I am merely left with two or more bad solutions.

May the Tao lead me down the right path...

Yeah. Only here for your amusement.

2004-11-13T03:33:00.000-06:00

You want me? You want my attention? Too bad, not going to give it to you. Only going to give you a reconsideration. A new hope, a possibility of interaction. I'm going to give you, a link.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/InverteDisorder/

Yes, a link, to another form of blog service. You may like it. You may not. I haven't a care in the world. It is what I use, it is what you must abhor but stand to interact. Enjoy, or loathe. No care of mine, you aren't offering anything of substantial value to me.